Nearly two years have passed since I sat down to write you a letter.
To be quite frank, I’m surprised that I’m scrawling words to you on my favorite Crane stationary for a second time.
In fact, I told myself that if I never laid eyes on you again, it wouldn’t be long enough. And then one afternoon, a very profound realization hit me out of nowhere. You, sadly, are a shining example of yet another significant man in my life who has taken away not only my right to speak but more importantly, my chance to be heard. And because I am a woman of great integrity and strong character, and never one to take the coward’s way out, you deserve to hear this directly from me. I am no longer willing to remain silent, nor am I willing to defend you or protect you at such a great and personal cost. The time came for me to love myself more than I ever loved you. And as you can imagine, I’ve had to dig really deep for that. You already know that I tiptoe, through everything. Every step is counted, cautious, methodical. It is rare for me to make a snap decision about anything, most often to my own detriment. But whether I want to or not, I have to start crawling through every down-dirty, underhanded thing you’ve ever done to me so that I can heal from the wounds that have been so carelessly inflicted by you, intentionally and unintentionally.
When I think back to the day that I discovered the many things you were dishonest about, all I can remember is how broken you were.
When I close my eyes and get very quiet, I can still see it. You, a distraught man, sitting in my dining room and crying like a baby, after having begged your way back in from the day before. I had every intention of telling you goodbye that afternoon. But when you asked me to go to counseling with you to repair our relationship? I lost every word I had rehearsed on that long drive home from school to see you. I took a leap of faith with you that day and never once have I regretted it. It was hard for me to let my guard down with you but I did it. Because I knew if I didn’t, we would never grow beyond where we were. And you meant so much to me that I was willing to trudge through whatever I had to in order to fix things between us once and for all.
In the day-in-day-out struggles of this thing called life, we always think we know exactly how our story is going to end.
We work tirelessly at writing every chapter of our lives to our liking. Whether it includes the one where we document the ways in which we’ve gotten our lives together. Or maybe perhaps the one about moving on from those who aren’t healthy for us. And we are always fairly certain that in the end, the words we have penned to paper won’t ever let us down. Even though we know that the best-laid plans always have the potential to collapse in mid-flight.
I honestly believed that I would be writing a very different chapter than I am writing right now.
Simply because I trusted you when you sat with me during our last therapy appointment, holding my hand, telling me that you would never abandon me again. And in case you don’t remember, the exact words you said were “it’s not gonna happen”. For the first time in the 15 months that we had been back in each other’s lives, never from that moment did I imagine that you would gut me and abandon me again less than a week later.
If I had done even half the things to you that you’ve done to me over the years, I don’t think I would be able to live with myself. So how you manage to sleep at night is beyond my level of comprehension. And if you knew the depth of the pain that you have caused me and the mass destruction that you have left upon my heart over time, you would never, ever be able to look me in the face again without aching in shame.
You yourself know how valuable my friendship is and you also know how I respond when someone betrays me.
I’m remembering the day you sat at my table during one of our many lunches saying that you felt bad for not having done enough for me; and at a later time, you also made accusations against my friends whom you were unable to name. I want you to know that I am 1000% confident of the friendships I have. I will defend them to no end. I’m very selective about the people I allow to get close to me and I don’t have people in my life who aren’t trustworthy. You were always the only exception. When push came to shove, you slit my throat to save your own when what you should have done is protected me at all costs because the only person who was guilty of misbehaving in our relationship was you.
Were you betrayed? Unequivocally…but never, ever by me.
You know me well, and if I was ever going to betray you, I would have done it long before March, and on a much grander scale. Deep down, I know you know that. But the fact that you believed that I would dare hurt you so maliciously is devastating to me. You are the last person I would ever want to sting with betrayal. Even if I had betrayed you, you know that I would’ve been on my knees in a second begging your forgiveness. Historically, women have always hurt you and taken advantage of you. So it’s second-nature for you to think I would be capable of that. I’m not perfect, not by any means. But I do know that the only thing I was ever guilty of was giving you more chances than you earned. You may not agree, but I worked diligently to ensure that you always felt loved and cared for by me. Even when you didn’t do the same.
I’ve failed at many things when it comes to you and the relationship we’ve shared.
But I know that I never failed at that. It was never my desire to take care of a man til there was you. And it was always my pleasure caring for you in the ways you allowed me to. I relished making lunches for you, listening to you when you needed to vent, and commiserating with you when you were overwhelmed. And in the last letter I wrote you, I told you I would never step away from you again. And I didn’t, even though I wanted to many, many times. I meant those words I said to you and happily held up my end of the bargain until you abruptly ended our story based on the hint of an untruth.
Everyone, at one time or another, has betrayed a person they care about in a moment of weakness.
We’ve all made decisions that we later regret and wish that we could take back. Thankfully, that’s where forgiveness and grace come into play. Because when you love someone so deeply, you take the good as well as the bad. All the while knowing that in every relationship, people hurt each other. Am I pleased that you’ve treated me like something you stepped in? I am not. In fact, you’ve cut me to the bone so many times that I’ve nearly bled to death. Only now have I staunched the bleeding. But if I could convey anything to you, it would be this. I miss you every single day. Not a moment passes when I don’t wish things were different between us. That I had fought harder for you. Even when, under the duress of an ultimatum, you didn’t have the strength within yourself to fight for me. And despite every bit of mean and misery that has passed between us over time, I would still choose you. Not because you’ve earned it. And certainly not because you deserve it. But because at the end of the day, the love that I have for you is not only vast but genuine. And it far exceeds any of the hurt, bitterness, and resentment that I feel on the inside.
Being empty of you is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
And even though your actions have hurt me deeply, you really are the best surprise I’ve ever gotten. You’ve made me a better woman. And you’ve taught more about myself than anyone else ever has. You’ve shown up for me in ways I could have never imagined. The most important being the last time we saw one another. I want you to know that I could’ve never gotten through that day without you. While I am a woman of great strength, I felt mighty small inside on that particular afternoon. When I became overwhelmed, you took my hand and helped me to be brave. When I lost my words, you pointed to them so I could finish my sentence.
You really brought it that day by showing up for me.
I will be forever grateful to you for that. I was so proud of you. I’m still proud of you, even now. And if there were ever two people on the face of this earth who had what it takes to make it, it was us. We’ve weathered many storms together. And yet somehow, always managed to come out on the other side of difficult times with our relationship still intact. Tattered, but intact nonetheless. We may not physically be in each other’s lives at the moment. But the invisible knot that still ties us to one another is ever- present and because of that, we will always be unfinished business.
I know we made an agreement long ago that we would never text or write things that were heartfelt.
You set that ground rule because those words are only meant to be spoken aloud to one other. And because the written word is so easily and often misinterpreted, I pray every day that the stars will flawlessly line up so that we can sit down and talk face to face. I really did want to say these things to you in person. But I didn’t have the wherewithal to ask you for that so I wrote this letter instead. Until that day comes, just know that I carry you with me everywhere I go. And I whisper the word ‘happiness’ every time I think of you. I do, and have, always wanted nothing less than the very best that this mundane world has to offer you. I only hope that while you were adding to my life, I never surreptitiously interrupted anything within yours.
WP is so complicated but it’s probably a widget in the Customize section^^
You’re right about that! It’s super complicated. I looked under widgets, but couldn’t find it. I’ve got my web designer looking too! 🙂
Wow! I had to look a bit for this letter but wanted to see how yours was. It was.. remarkable… emotional… very heartfelt. Reading it I am a little bit confused about the nature of the relationship you had but I guess I am supposed to. I feel the pain and confusion over the whole situation in this letter. That reminded me a lot of the letter I published on my blog. In other areas, I felt how very different our situations are. All in all, there’s nothing left for us both to do than to wait and see which card destiny plays next. Thanks for sharing!
Ben!!! You have no idea how excited I was to find your comment in my inbox this morning! The nature of the relationship is very complicated so it’s no wonder it was confusing; also, I had to heavily edit this particular post because that was a real letter he received via mail and I had to make sure I took a lot of identifying factors out in order to protect the not so innocent. I hated being intentionally vague, but it was necessary. Not really for his privacy (or the other woman’s privacy), but to protect my own. If you read the original, it would all make perfect sense. Having said all that nonsense, I want you to know that I am humbled by your remarks. It is so difficult to love someone to the depths that I love him when all he has ever done is sabotage every good thing that along for us. I know you know this feeling all too well. The truth of the matter, though, is this: that deep, emotional, soul-tying kind of love never really goes away and it always seems to come full circle eventually. Here’s to better times ahead for both of us. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope you’ll drop in again!
No, I really don’t know why you’re excited but I feel super mega flattered that you were :)) I understand that you kept the letter vague… I tried the same thing and even though it is hard to write in an abstract way about specific things, I think in both our letters the point got across. I actually didn’t make two versions of mine so I really didn’t know if he read mine or not. I do have the feeling that love can fade… to some extent… but some feelings will always be there and I don’t even mind that. I think it’s a good thing because I don’t wanna erase all the memories, good or bad. In my situation it’s just very twisted because it goes beyond good and evil. I couldn’t point who did what wrong. In the end, it was no one’s fault that it didn’t work out. It just did not and after having written the letter I can be okay with that. More than I could before. Thank you for reading mine as well, I love it when people leave thoughtful comments!
No, no, I am the one who should be flattered. The fact that you intentionally sought out my blog and read my letter means a lot to me. Honestly, I don’t know how he couldn’t have read your letter, especially after the deep connection you seem to have had with him–I can’t imagine there’s any person in the world who could ignore something so personal when they know it was written specifically to them. I really, really love how transparent and eloquent you were with your feelings. I have a hunch that your story with him is far from over, though. Just a feeling! I really can’t wait to see what you do next!
Of course, I wanted to know how another blogger handled the same topic! Was very interesting to read up on that. In a way our letters are similar but also very different.
What I feel connects them is that both seem to come from a place where they just needed to get out (of our system/into the open space). I always try staying as honest as I possibly can, I just don’t write about the stuff that I’m not comfortable with sharing. Anyway, for now I’m really happy being on my own 🙂
Btw I wanted to follow your blog but can’t seem to find a follow button..
Ha! How funny you mentioned that…I just signed into my dashboard to follow yours LOL! I am new to WordPress and I haven’t the first clue how to add a follow button, but I’m going to research that and add one so we can stay in touch 🙂
“Yes, we all have someone like this (and sometimes more than our share). And somehow writing is still one of the best kinds of therapy, even if we don’t get a response. For me, finally finding the man who deserves me was all I needed to be able to see why that someone had to be so I could later know how to recognize goodness when it came along (and he loves to write, too). I wish the same happiness for you!”
“Thank you so much, Shannon! Writing is therapy for me too! I think goodness is hard to recognize sometimes when we’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship (or otherwise), but I’m glad that you finally found a man who is deserving of everything you have to offer. Please drop in anytime! Loved your comment!”
“Very moving. I find writing is a great way to express unspoken feelings and to help move on from painful experiences. You sound like a great, strong woman. Keep rockin’ Jill”
“Thanks so much for your comment, Jill. They say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, and I suppose they’re right. I appreciate you taking the time to read the letter! Come back anytime!”
wow what a powerful letter. relationships are hard especially when one person doesn’t give it their all. By the sounds of it you are a strong woman. Continue to be strong
“Thank you so much Crystal. People say I am strong, and I guess I would have to be to have been able to maintain a nine year relationship with him: 5 years as friends, 4 years as everything else. He gave about 10% while I gave 100% and yes you’re right, that never works out well. Thanks for your comment. Hope to see you again!!”
“Wow… I’m sorry for the hurt it seems you have endured at the expense of someone else- a boyfriend, I think. I hope and pray that you find the strength to grow (away and without) him. Please understand that I’m not wishing you all find each other again, because between the lines, it sounds like this person was mentally and emotionally abusive or at the very least taking advantage of you mentally/emotionally- and I don’t believe anyone needs that in their life. As you said, he was the man who didn’t deserve you. I hope writing this letter (whether you mailed it or not) brought a needed and necessary closure to the situation for you.”
“Hi Kim! Thanks for commenting! It was mailed and is an edited version of the letter I sent him last year. As far as being emotionally/mentally abusive, yes he was. He just didn’t become aware of it until 4 years into the relationship. As far as closure, that hasn’t been resolved yet.”
“A beautiful, from the heart letter. Did you get a reply to it? Just curios. And as I was reading I remembered a strategy that involved writing a letter to an ex or an enemy where you’d write your frustrations and feel empty of then. And then, you wouldn’t send it at all. This way you would make sure you’ve gotten all your frustrations out on paper and also didn’t hurt the other person because you aren’t sending the letter.”
“Hi Sofia! I did not get a response, but then again, his middle name is COWARD and he knows everything I wrote in that letter was nothing short of the truth. He did text my best friend to tell her to tell me that he found the letter (it got misplaced at his office for over a week because the postmaster allowed his receptionist to sign for it even though it was restricted delivery) and that he had read it, but that was it. I didn’t really expect a response though…it was more about me than it was about him. It was very cathartic to write that letter. Thanks for commenting on TMS! I hope to see you again!”
“I have had this person a few times. It is ironic. When you are int he moment of it, it feels like it destroys you but as time goes on, you realize that you two weren’t right. You would never be right. It just takes the “”right”” person to show you that. This is the case in my experience anyways.”
“I’m still waiting for Mr. Right to show up…but the truth is, I’ll probably run like heck when he does LOL! Thanks for your comment Britanica. Always nice “”seeing”” you on the blog!”
“Wow! As I read your letter, I felt like I was reliving my own experience. I could feel every roller-coaster emotion as I read it. Every woman who exists today probably has a person that they should have written a letter to just like this one. May you find peace and rest as you heal.”
“Hi Candice! We all have that person. And he was mine. And like I told a friend recently, Hallmark has nothing on me when it comes to love letters! LOL! Really, though, in all seriousness, the reason that you could feel the words as you read them is because I was so broken and splintered when I wrote that, that the words just spilled out all over the place. Thank you for your well wishes!”
“I think writing letters are a great way to share your feelings with others and that it is very good therapy. I think the act of writing alone helps heal. I (like most women) have had a few emotionally draining relationships, and though I didn’t send them any letters, I did write my emotions down and it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. All the things I wanted to say I let out and was no longer carrying – so I definitely think this is a great idea and well done in finally writing it!”
Thank you Kelly! It has been my most read blog post…for good reason. We all have a man out there somewhere who still has our heart. He is mine. Thanks for your comment!
“Letters are a wonderful way of expressing your feelings and getting out what you otherwise would not have the courage to say. This is a wonderful letter. I remember writing something like this myself once upon a time. It doesn’t make the task easier and you have handled it well.
“Thank you so much, Andy. I agree that letters are a wonderful expression of emotion. This is an edited version of an actual letter. I appreciate your comment.”
Wow I love how open you are in your posts. This is hard to do. There are times I should have done a letter like this and never did. It is very healing.
“Yes, yes it is Mandy. Hallmark has nothing on me when it comes to heartfelt letters! haha. Thanks for stopping in!”
I have often heard that writing letters is a great tool for healing. I think this one is beautifully written!
“Thank you, Melissa! It is an edited version of the handwritten one he received (and read) last July. For the record, he has yet to respond. Thanks for stopping in.”