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“So what brought you to Oak Island, Kristi?”
“Well…I…I’m running from a man.”
“Really?! That’s how I got here too.”
It was a warm, sunny day in Oak Island on the afternoon I had that conversation over a sea-side lunch with my new friend Bonnie Grace. She swears she knows me from ETSU in Tennessee. We both attended college there around the same time in the 1990s, so it would make sense. Those of you who know my hometown-dynamic know that everybody knows everybody. And everybody crosses paths with them on regular basis, whether they want to or not. She is quirky, funny, and has a beautiful soul. But the one thing I like the most about her is that she is well-schooled in wisdom.
Most of you know by now that I’m in North Carolina taking a very much-needed respite from life in general. I’ve rested more over the last 4 months than I probably have in years. And I’ve paid more attention to self-care so that I can nurture my own soul. Otherwise, I’ve been known to piece myself out to everyone else on a too-regular basis. Living by the sea is indeed a magical thing. And I’ve certainly come to adore my Mermaid Life way more than I ever liked my Real Life. If you’ve followed my blog at all, you already know I came here to grieve the loss of three friends. All of them died unexpectedly over a 9-month period and grieving for the dead is harsh, to say the least. In fact, I would’ve told you a couple of years ago that grieving for those who have left the earthly realm is the absolute hardest thing a person ever has to do. But today, I’m here to tell you that in my experience, it isn’t. Grieving for someone who is alive, yet not with you, is much more despairing. Yes, I came here to grieve a myriad of things. My divorce and the deaths of my friends. But I also came here to grieve the loss of the broken man I loved. One who is still very much amongst the living. A man who is so split and fragmented, that even Gorilla Glue couldn’t piece him back together. I spent years trying to nurture his hurts by kissing his bruises while desperately attempting to band-aid his heart each and every time someone pricked it with a spindle. And when someone hurt him, I physically ached. I so wanted to be an agent in his healing the way he had been in mine. But little did I know I was just re-wounding my old past hurts in the process of scabbing over his.
This wounded man, he isn’t a bad man. He’s actually a very tender man, but you wouldn’t know that by looking at him from the outside in. He doesn’t show that side of himself to others because he perceives being vulnerable as weak, and he can’t be a weak man, by God. No, siree! I’ve told him a million times how sad I am that he can’t unmask who he really is because so many people are missing out on the real him, but until he allows himself to operate out of something other than fear, his life will never shift for the good.
When I think about his tenderness, one specific event comes to mind: I had stopped in to visit him at work one afternoon, and while he was tending to work-related things, I was in his private office checking my email. I had kicked my shoes off and made myself comfortable because I figured it would be awhile before he was able to hang out with me and catch me up on his day. What I didn’t realize is that I had bloodied my heels on his office chair—badly. Oh, but he noticed it! “You’re bleeding! It looks like helter-skelter in here!” and off he went to gather paper towels, band-aids, and peroxide. I tried to take them from him, but he impatiently shook his head, lowered himself to the floor, and lovingly cleaned up and bandaged my bloody feet. In my then-43 years of life, not one single person had ever done that for me and before I knew it, I was on my feet, watery eyes and all, planting a kiss on him to thank him. Tender. He’s tender.
We’ve all been in the place of loving someone who is broken. They didn’t get that way overnight; in fact, it probably took years for them to become as beaten down as they are. We want to put them back together and find a way to make everything right in their world. But the truth of the matter is, no matter how badly we want to, we can’t. If you are a rescuer like me, you want to fix them too and as they say, it takes one to know one. I’ve spent years trying to fix others all the while continuing to get cut on their broken, shattered pieces in the process when my focus really should have been on rescuing myself. Don’t misunderstand me, there’s nothing wrong with loving a broken man; in fact, it takes a very strong woman to endure that and see it through. I gave it my all, I truly did, but the time came for me to love myself more than I loved him—so I ran—because I knew if I didn’t, I would never, ever heal.
I’ve blamed myself for almost everything that went wrong in our relationship, even though deep-down, I know he was the catalyst for things being as chaotic as they were. I told Bonnie Grace the good, bad, and ugly of our relationship that day, and I have to tell you, I’ve never had another woman understand it the way she did. She gets it, I thought, and I can’t tell you how comforting that was to me. She reminded me that the reason I stayed as long as I did is because I was too busy looking at the wounded-child-him, rather than noticing the angry-man-him. It’s all misogyny, she said—and I know that I know that I know that she’s right. Hurting people hurt people. That’s the cold, hard truth right there, folks.
My heart, although still bleeding, is slowly beginning to heal. And even though I still cry over him, I’m coming to recognize that I did everything I possibly could to save him, our relationship, us. The problem is that I was the only one fighting for that. Our therapist has told me for years that sometimes, love isn’t enough. But the fairytale-loving child that resides within me has always believed it was. I’m not going to get into all the sordid details of the ways he hurt me, because they are innumerable, and many of those wounds are still very raw; but I will tell you, as hard as it is for me to admit it, that I still love him. In fact, I will probably love him until the day I take my last breath as a little old lady. But the honest to goodness truth is this: he is not safe for me to love right now, so I have to love him from a distance while still allowing myself to move forward in order to create the life I was always meant to live.
Bonnie Grace doesn’t know it, but she healed a piece of my heart that afternoon when she not only recognized my pain, but understood it, without passing judgment. And the one thing she said to me that still sticks with me is this:
“He will never not lie to you. He will never not cheat on you. And the reason he does the things he does to hurt you isn’t because of who you are sweetie, but because of who he is.”
If you love a broken man, read that again.
Sometimes, love really isn’t enough.
See you next week.
The Flying Fish Cafe is located at 705 Ocean Drive, Oak Island, NC 28465. If you haven’t been there, you need to try it!
I am the voice of Truly Madly Sassy and currently reside in Northeast Tennessee with my dog Snickers. I’m a full-time mental health advocate, a most-of-the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, and a self-proclaimed princess. I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.
Awesome Blog Madam on Love
Thank you so much. Great to see you again!
This is the pain if relationships don’t work out.. With Love Jasminhttps://lollipopkosmetik.wordpress.com/2017/09/28/winter-blues-nein-danke/
Thank you Jasmin for commenting on TMS! Come back anytime 🙂
I hope your Mermaid Life helps you heal.
“Thank you so, so much Bernadette. One day at a time! It’s getting better.”
“Yes very true, if you lose your partner your friends need to decide which one of you they want to stick as friend and which one they give up. This is pain if relationships don’t work out”
“Thankfully, none of my friends took his side. In fact, I’m surprised none of them have strung him up yet! Especially my best friends Tracie, Kena, and Kyra. His day might be coming, who knows LOL! Thanks for commenting!”
“I’m so sorry that you had to go through so many painful things like losing your friends so quickly apart and also that divorce. But, I also think all these experiences have made you stronger even if, some days, you might not feel like it. I can related as I’ve lost a few people along the way and while I have days when I don’t want to get out of bed, there are also those where I ask myself Would my friends want me to stay in bed and just stop living? and the answer is simply No.. They would want me to LIVE as I’ve never before and be happy. And that’s what your friends want for you as well.”
Thanks Madeline for your thoughts and kind words. Loved seeing you here on TMS!
“I loved this one, Kristi. You’ve come so far in the last year and the beach life really does agree with you as you radiate happiness now. Far different from the girl I sat and talked with back in January who was searching for answers. You aren’t searching anymore and it’s awesome to see your face light up when you talk about the things that you have passion for. I hope this journey only gets better and better for you!”
“Michael!!! <3 Thank you for commenting! It's taken a lot to get me here, and next time you're on the island, I would love to catch up over coffee. XoXo!"
“Sadly, there are more men out there like him than there are who aren’t like him. I know exactly how you feel because I love one from a great distance as well. I really love your blog and you are more “”schooled in wisdom”” than I think you realize.”
“Good morning Gwendolyn! I think you are right! And thanks for the kudos–we live and learn, don’t we?! Thanks for stopping in!”
“How often, as women, do we blame ourselves for the brokenness in another person? All the time. I think it is innate in us to try to take care of others that we love before taking care of ourselves. Kudos to you for learning to love yourself more than you loved him. Defeat is not yours.”
“Janice, I think you are right. It’s innate in us. Learning to love myself first has been a huge challenge for me, that’s for sure. I still love him, and likely always will, but what I love the most is the person he used to be, but not the person he’s become. It’s sad to me that the man I thought he was never existed. Thanks for your comment.”
Kristi – sometimes broken people don’t want to be fixed. There is a such thing as being addicted to drama.
You said it! My life is drama-free since moving away from him. Thanks for commenting! 🙂
Sometimes I feel like you are writing about my life. I am glad to know I’m not the only woman who loves a broken man.
Hi Lauren! I think there are either a lot of us or a lot of them 😉 Glad you’re enjoying the blog! Hope to see you again.
“I do not know you, but every time I read a blog about him I can feel how deeply you love that man. The pain you feel just tumbles out when you write about him and I am sad that you’re sad. The people that you reach (women like me) admire you for the strength you keep tapping into so that you can keep going. I wish you love and light on your journey without the man that you love.”
“Thank you Rihannon! I wish I was able to just will away the sadness (and the love!), but all that comes with time. Stop in again! <3"
“Sorry for the loss of your friends, and sorry that it didn’t work out with your man. I used to always be drawn to “”broken men.”” My Dad was actually the person to point this out. He said, that I always had away of picking men that had issues. I learnt that you can’t help “”mend”” someone that doesn’t want to be “”mended,”” that you should ALWAYS put yourself first, and that you deserve the to be loved and treated well. All the relationships I were in where I felt the need to help “”fix”” or “”mend”” the man, ended terribly. I now think of them as toxic relationships and stay well away from there. The last relationship I was in like that ended in lots of mental abusive – he definitely took his issues out on me. My ex turned into a paranoid, verbally abusive person, who used to constantly out me down, I guess to make himself feel better. Eventually he cheated on me and got some other woman pregnant. Now I think it a God send that the relationship ended. It was only a year that we were together, but it was one of the most depressing years of my life. So I think it was good you got out when you did – personally, you always need to put yourself first, and “”broken men”” are not worth the hassle or the risk. Maybe that seems a bit harsh, but I guess that’s just life. Enjoy your time in North Carolina and your mermaid life – I’ve met a few people from Canada that head there for the winter months, and it sounds really nice! “
“Hi Kelly! You hit the nail on the head when you spoke about toxic relationships. And sometimes, the thing we think we want the most are the things we need the least! Thanks for commenting! I always look forward to “”seeing”” you here! And PS: I highly recommend the mermaid life!!! :)”
If it was about love, he would be with you and not where he is. Appearances and social status are things he values more, and those things are temporary. Love is the only thing that lasts and he will recognize this when it’s too late. He missed the boat. Don’t look back. What he’s done to you he will do to others. Miss you friend. So proud of you.
“Oh, truer words have never been spoken. I hate I saw it “”too late””. See you when I’m home in May to pack up the condo. Miss you!”
Brave woman. Gentle soul. Keep healing.
Thank you Bonnie!! XoXo
“I always get excited when you post a new thing because I know that no matter what it is, I’ll be able to relate to it. This one is one of the best yet. You should get that book going again!”
“Hi Tonya! Nice to hear from you! 🙂 Thanks for the compliment…and yes…the book…egads…my mind can’t even stay focused enough for the blog sometimes, so imagine me trying to finish that book! HA! But I am gonna finish it…at some point…hahaha! Give me a call soon so we can catch up on old times!!!!!!!!”
Yes! All true! Broken people are hard to fix. Be glad you ran.
“Sometimes, running is the only way to heal a heart. And all of us are broken–just some more than others. Thanks for stopping in Vanessa!”
“You surely have a way with words and I enjoy every weekly email that I get from you. And there are times when we have to run to save our own personal sanity, so if you’re judging yourself about that, cease and desist. Cannot wait to read more from you.”
“Thank you so much Donna. I am enjoying using the blog as a creative outlet. As for judging myself for running, I’m not. I as much as anyone deserve a fresh start/clean slate and I hate I waited this long to do it. Could have saved myself a lot of heartache had I just done it two years ago when I planned to. Looking forward to chatting with you again!”
“Sheer perfection! You’ve gone and done it again, Kristi. Love it.”
“Thank you so much, Kay! I am humbled by your kindness.”
“Just wow. Are you sure we didn’t love the same man? Sharing, sharing, sharing this. So glad I found your blog on facebook!”
“Heck, we may have haha! Thanks for sharing it, Connie! Hope to see you again!
So raw; so good! Wow! That’s great and I know it’s all too true.
Susan!!! You totally just made my weekend! Thanks for always cheering me on and holding my hand during the hard times. I am so happy we found each other again after all these years! Pretty cool to be back in touch with my childhood bestie from Weavers! XoXo!