Two years ago today, I walked out of a courtroom and made the saddest drive to Nashville that I have ever made.
Erik was married to my best friend Kyra and they had an almost-fairytale love story.
I don’t know how many of you have lost someone to suicide, but I can tell you that the grief has a whole different flavor when someone takes themselves out.
Even now, I can barely bring myself to say it. It’s the news you never hope to get, and when you do get it, you are stunned—at least it was that way for me—and I will never forget that day for as long as I live. It was the longest day of my life and the worst day of Kyra’s. I was working when I got a text from my friend Kara saying she had heard that Erik had committed suicide. I immediately brushed it off, because I knew that he would never, ever do that. So I continued to work on the things I was finishing up. She texted again and said she had been wrong—that it wasn’t Erik at all—it was Erik’s boss.
That’s what got my attention. Erik didn’t have a boss.
When your best friend lives 5 hours away, you have very few details to go on when something tragic happens.
I don’t claim to know why people exit the way they do.
As I look back, I see all the signs. I wish so much that I had paid more attention to that nagging feeling I had when I last saw him in December 2014. I had gone to Nashville with a broken heart and he and Kyra wanted to take care of me. They wanted to give me a nice, stress-free weekend away. It was also a time to celebrate mine and Kyra’s birthdays, as we are both December babies. They did what they set out to do. They nurtured me, took me to dinner and made sure I ate. We drove to the Opryland Hotel to look at the Christmas lights and they lovingly tucked me in at the end of the night.
The next morning, Erik’s dad, who is the best omelet maker in the entire universe, made all of us breakfast. And I headed back to Johnson City with hopes of visiting again in a few months. Had I known that would be the last time that I saw Erik, I would have hugged him a little tighter. And I would have held on a little longer when I said what was to be my final in-person goodbye to him.
Pain has deep roots.
Erik, I love you so much and I miss you terribly. I’ve watched Kyra go on without you and I want you to know that she has been so incredibly brave. She doesn’t think she has been, but she continues to put one foot in front of the other and soldiers on. I dare say that had that been me, I would still be in the same pajamas and in a fetal position even two years later. It has been devastating to me to watch her grieve, but oh my goodness, she is so strong. Each day, she gets a little better. Thank you for making my Chica so happy. For turning me into a furniture snob, for almost beating up the man who had my heart at a pig roast when you learned he had disrespected me. In retrospect, I wish Kyra had just let go of your arm so you could’ve stomped him LOL! Thank you for teaching me your stealth driving moves. I still use those to this day and every time I’m successful with one, I say out loud to no one “now that was an Erik Click move!” If I had it to do over, I would have paid more attention than I did. And I would have done anything in the world to save you from yourself. I want you to know that none of us have forgotten you. Your family keeps your spirit alive in every way they can. Your kids are growing up fast and Jude is starting to look just like you. Marina gets prettier every day and I know that you are proud of her just as any Daddy would be. And I pray that one day, a man will love me just as much as you loved Ky.
You are loved. You are missed. And you will never be forgotten.
I am the voice of Truly Madly Sassy and currently reside on the coast of North Carolina with my dog Snickers. I’m a full-time social work major, a most-of-the-time writer, a part-time mermaid, and a self-proclaimed princess. I’m a lover of all things chocolate, a staunch Starbucks addict, a sap for Rumi’s poetry, and a tried-and-true believer in happily ever after.
What a great read. This really does effect so many other people once it’s all said and done. Suicide is an awful thing to deal with. Grief is an awful thing to deal with.
Thanks so much for the comment, Amit. Suicide always leaves so many questions and never gives answers.
I hope you and your family have the utmost strength to deal with the kind of grieve that comes with suicide. It’s very painful thing to swallow as a family member.
Thank you, Ashlee. I can’t imagine how his parents and siblings must feel. Their loss has been the biggest one by far. I admire them so much for just pushing forward. It can’t be easy. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, but most of all, thank you for your sentiments.
I can relate as I read the article. I lost a close friend of mine too when I was 18, and now it’s been 8 years but it seems like it just happened yesterday. And you’re right suicide doesn’t take away the pain, it gives it to someone else. Having said that, I admire how you and his wife handled the situation. Both of you are really brave. Life is tough but both of you just proved that you’re tougher. Life must go on! Keep moving!
I know exactly what you mean. The time passes in an instant, but then it doesn’t feel like it has passed at all. Very sorry for the loss of your friend. Suicide always leaves the question of “why” unanswered for those who are left behind. Thank you so much for your sentiments. Drop in anytime!
It’s so sad to lose someone you love – he looks like he would have been a lovely person and that makes it even sadder. I’m so sorry for you and your friend but I think it helps to write your feelings down like this and share them so others can understand more deeply.
“Leanne, thank you for commenting. Erik was indeed an incredible man and is so missed by all of us. He had such raw talent when it came to building houses, decks, things…I think the saddest part for me is that I don’t think he had any inkling of how much he was loved and appreciated. Please do visit me anytime here on TMS! I welcome your thoughts always.”
What a great read. This really does effect so many other people once it’s all said and done. Suicide is an awful thing to deal with. Grief is an awful thing to deal with.
“Hi Tiara! Suicide really does affect so many people…the effect ripples when someone makes that choice. I still cry for Erik all the time and I miss him everyday. My best friend holds it together, but she’s become so fragile in so many ways and how could she not? I can’t imagine how it feels to miss him like she does. Heartbreaking. Thanks for commenting on TMS! Please drop in anytime!”
“Grief sucks. I empathize with you and lack any words of wit or wisdom to share with you. Even if I did, I’m not sure I would… I know from my own experiences with grief that they don’t help. What does help is know that you have people there for you when you need it… So, after reading this post, that’s what I’ll be. A listening ear (or reader) when you need a real release.
“Thank you so much, Kim! Grief is messy, ugly, terribly sucky, no doubt! I’ll take you up on that listening ear/reader thing for sure. I’m honored that you took the time to read my piece about grief and I hope I see you again sometime soon!”
“I’ve unfortunately had several people I’ve known or admire fall the victim of depression suicide. Although we can always get angry that they did it, we don’t realize that the depression is a weight and horrible sinister voice. All you can do is be a friend and help others when you can. Always let your love show.”
“We never know what people are going through behind closed doors. It is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen–the aftermath, I mean.”
“Just look for the warning signs. They’re always there if you look close enough. And take each sign seriously.
“Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Hindsight is 20/20 for sure, and as I look back, I can see the warning signs that existed in Erik’s behavior. If only we could undo it…”
“My condolences. I’ve never lost anyone to suicide in my adult life. A playmate of mine’s dad took his life when we were 5 or 6 but we didn’t understand the seriousness of it. Then again when I was a pre-teen, a friend of mine’s brother did the same.”
“I can’t pretend to understand why people exit the way they do, but I do comprehend the level of pain that causes those we love to make the decision to take themselves out. By far the saddest thing I have ever experienced. Thanks for commenting, Stephanie. I’m always glad to hear your thoughts!”
“What can I say? I never lost anyone to suicide and I hope I never have to go through that. It’s horrible to think how many of us look great on the outside, all smiles but on the inside, we are having serious problems. From what you said, Erik seems like a wonderful human being and it’s hard for me to accept (even if I didn’t know him) that he’s gone. I weep for all human beings but there are those that also have that light in their eyes and I feel Erik was one of those.”
“Agreed. Erik had so much to live for, as he was sailing above the mountain tops especially where his career was concerned. He was so talented and gifted in his trade and would have gone far in Nashville. I think it’s true that many of us look happy on the outside, but often times, we are crying on the inside. Thanks for commenting on TMS Penelope. Hope to hear from you again.”
“Quite unfortunate! I mean it, it’s just terrible! It’s so painful, I understand exactly what you’re going through. Just struggling to hold back tears. What a sad story.. Suicide is not just the best option, it transfers the pain to someones. Please take heart!”
Thank you so much for commenting Francesca! Losing someone in that way is one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Not a day passes where I don’t think of him. Hope to see you again on TMS!
Very well written and thought out. Glad you and Kyra have each other
“As you know, it is by far one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. I am also glad that Ky and I have each other. We’ve been through a lot over the years and no matter what happens, we always have each other’s back and I can only think of one falling out we have had in 23 years. I would be so lost without her in my life.”
I can literally feel the sadness that you are experiencing when I read about Erik and your best friend. My heart goes out to all who loved him.
“Thanks for stopping in, Debbie! Even now, it still doesn’t feel real.”