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I’ve talked about grief a lot over the last few weeks on Truly Madly Sassy and that led me to ponder the question of just how does a person deal with loss? Is it innate? Is it something that can be learned or taught? I don’t know the answers to those questions, so I asked my friend Cathy, who is a certified grief counselor, to shed some light on how people can cope with loss of all kinds. Please welcome her to the blog and have a gander at what she had to say.
Cathy, what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word ‘grief’?
Well, grief is a very broad state and it has many levels. And my story with grief is a rather personal one. I’d like to begin by telling you that after 20 years of working as a nurse, I decided to continue my studies to become a certified grief counselor because of that story. And in my daily work, I’m often asked how and why I seem to be so gifted in working with those who grieve. My first response is always because I’ve lost so many people in my own life. Not only that, but I live with grief on a daily basis. Having said that, though, grief is not necessarily always just from a physical death either. And that’s where my work began.
Would you care to share your story?
I had one sister named Yvonne. She was one year older than me and she was my best friend. In 1991, Yvonne was diagnosed with a rapidly progressive form of lymphoma. And in less than 3 months, we knew she would be gone. My family did not talk about this. Ever. I guess they just didn’t know how? I watched as each family member tried to cope and deal with the situation, yet noticed no one spoke of it. But Yvonne and I talked about it daily: we talked, we cried, we even ranted together! She knew of my work and how very involved I was with the dying and their families. She also knew that I would be honest with her so that she could be prepared to cross over when the time came.
In order to help those dealing with such a situation, I know I must maintain calm and stay emotionally detached. So I did and it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I would walk out of her house, get in my car, and sob. A week before Yvonne crossed over, she asked me to do something for her: to use everything I had watched, seen, and experienced in an effort to help others! She wanted me to teach families to communicate with each other. To relay to them how important it was that they talk with the dying! I made her that promise and fulfilled it by becoming a certified grief counselor. So, while it was initially meant to help others, my studies really began as a way to process my own sadness and it continues today. I do this kind of work to honor my sister.
What kind of light can you shed on the stages of grief?
Most of us know the stages that are so readily written in many books, and in my life and my work, I have come to see these stages as real. I truly believe that they come and go often, then sometimes return for longer periods of time. That may not be what you want to hear, but it has been my truth for decades. I also believe that no one really ever ‘gets over’ the terrible loss of any loved one, especially when it comes to the loss of a child. Not what you may want to hear, but I’ve witnessed that more than once.
What advice would you give to those who are grieving? How can people best support those who are grieving a loss?
Those grieving must somehow just learn to continue on with their lives and create another life without the one they’ve lost in it. I’ve also learned how important it is to talk about the one you have lost—over and over and over again. It’s helpful to try to find others who may also be living with the same type of loss you are because there so many support groups available now: loss through cancer, suicide, grieving spouses, grieving parents, grieving siblings—find others that understand. I’d like to also mention that if you don’t know what to say to someone trying to learn to live with a loss, just do not say anything! Please! The most loving thing anyone can do is just listen and be there!
Are there any books that you can recommend to those who are navigating grief?
Yes! I stumbled across a book that when I was suffering from the passing of my father. I was young, but it helped me enormously. Amazing how Spirit works, isn’t it? The book became a best seller and the title of it is Life After Life by Dr. Raymond Moody. It forever changed my thinking about what happens after we leave our physical body because we do continue to live on!
Thank you, Cathy. You’ve been very helpful and have given my readers some great information on how to deal with loss. Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Yes. If I may be of help to someone reading this piece, it would truly be an honor to talk with them about their own source of grief. It’s a way for me to give back to others as well as a way to continue the love of my sister Yvonne. Many blessings!!
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“Many people say to grieving person to move on and let go. Continue making life without the one’s you’ve lost, could we really do just that? 10 months ago I lost my daughter 3 weeks before her due date. It was and still is the greatest pain I am dealing with. After 11 years of expecting that I cannot conceive again, she came un expectedly and brought so much joy into our lives, and she also left un expectedly, and brought my lige with her. How can someone be ready for a sudden loss? Where no experts could tell you what really happened? For me grief is a test. How strong are we? How long are we willing to push? Would we give up? Grief is actually my fuel. My joy, my life was taken from me when I lost my daughter. It taught me that something so beautiful, so perfect cannot be achieved so easily. She was a test on how long will I push forward. We don’t necessarily have to let go, because loosing someone we love so dearly connot be let go. Keep them inside your heart, do not let them go, and use that love to fuel you to push forward in life. Use them to be your strength when you feel like giving up. All this pain were the reason I started our community
Hi Crisly…thank you so much for sharing your story here at Truly Madly Sassy…I had no idea and my heart goes out to you. I love how you said that grief is your fuel–I’ve never thought about it like that. The loss of a child is especially difficult and I can’t imagine what that kind of deep loss feels like. Using your experience to help others heal is beyond what many people can do and I love the community you’ve started. You are truly a gift to others. Please feel free to visit TMS anytime and thank you for sharing what’s on your heart.
“Thank you Kristie, you’re words helped me keep going. Loosing my baby is the most painful things I have ever experienced and it is also the experienced that taught me a lot in a short period of time.”
“Great interview i wish i was there to listen myself, will surely check out those books. https://www.techstoryhowto.ga“
Thank you so much Muldeen! Come back anytime!
“Great post. Fresh writing and excellent explanation.I suggest you to publish in black ink, blue is quit hazy.Thank you.”
“Thanks for your comment and your feedback! It looks okay on my screen, but everyone’s resolution is different. I’ll change it! Come back anytime!”
honestly! got a little… Dealing with grief is quite difficult. Handling a loss is more difficult in later days.Thank you for sharing this.
“Thanks for commenting, Pooja! I agree that the older we get, the harder grief gets. It’s never fun at any age.”
What a very helpful post. Thank you.
Hi there! Thank you so much for commenting. Glad to see you on TMS!
lovely post.it will go a long way to help people deal with loss
“Thank you so much, Unwana! Hope you’re having a fantastic day!”
its good one
Thank you Faizan! Hope to see you again!
“I count Cathy as a dear friend who was invaluable in helping me deal with my husband’s death. He visited her during his passing and spoke to her. It took me several months to ask her what he said. She said he told her It’s just like opening a door. She told me I would see him again but that he wouldn’t look like himself. I hope that means he has hair. I am blessed to have kind, loving, supportive friends that let me talk about Jeff in the present tense because, in truth, he is always with me. If I know I will be having a tough day, I wear one of his shirts for an all-day hug then put on a dab of Old Spice.
“Hi Becky! First, I am so sorry for your loss. It is difficult to navigate grief when we lose the one we love. I, too, adore Cathy and I love how Jeff told her it was just like opening a door. I’ll ponder that one myself for quite some time. And I giggled when you said you hoped that he has hair when you see him again LOL! Keep wearing his shirts and dabbing on Old Spice. It’s been my experience that even when our loved ones are gone from the physical realm, they are just around the corner in the spiritual one. Much love to you!”
I think it’s helpful to find others who are going through the same things just like Ms. Waters spoke of. Being amongst like minded people who are experiencing the same type of loss can truly be a very healing thing. I agree with everything she had to say and I like the way you interviewed her. You should do those things more often. Thank you for posting such relevant things. You have such raw talent!
Thank you for commenting Julie! I think grief counseling can be invaluable if the ones who are grieving are ready for it and open to it. And I liked the interview format as well! It was a last minute decision and worked out well. Hope to see you again!
“It’s nice to have the perspective of someone who deals with grief on a professional level. I found this blog to be super duper informative. I love truly madly sassy!
Thanks Andrea! I’m glad you love the blog! Hard to believe TMS is almost a year old! Looking forward to hearing your future thoughts!