Dear Lost Love,
It’s been almost 20 years and I still dream of you. I wonder how it would have been had I answered that one question differently so long ago. The one where you asked, “So you don’t want anything to stand in your way of leaving?” Now, the person I have become would’ve asked what you meant by that. But I was not that person back then. I have only wondered about how different it would’ve been a handful of times. (Okay, maybe two handfuls.)
Of all of the men that I have loved, you are the one that has stayed with me. Last night you were in my dreams and that hasn’t happened for a while. Maybe it’s all of the work I have been doing around loving myself. I’m not writing to tell you that I want you back. (Although that fantasy filled doe-eyed girl inside of me does a little bit), I am writing to say that I didn’t love myself or even like myself very much back then. If I stayed, I would’ve only loved myself when you loved me and a part of my soul knew that. A part of my soul longed to go to a place where my own quirky sense of spirituality could flourish. And flourish it did!
Last night you were in my dreams. And the dream reminded me of our connection. All of the letters we exchanged and all of our late-night phone calls. Back then, I loved the person that I imagined you to be and I imagined us as a couple. When we were together in person, my insecurities got in the way. I acted like I didn’t care when I really did. I loved you and that scared me, so I never thought it possible that you loved me too. It’s taken almost 20 years for me to learn to love myself and leaving was the first step. Our time has passed and I just wanted you to know that you will always have a place in my heart. You got married and have a beautiful family now and I know that our lives have worked out perfectly.
I’ve fallen in love again and again and yet, you dear Love, are the only “what if”.
Over the past few months, I have been doing a lot of work around creating an amazing committed relationship in my life. I have prayed repeatedly. I pray to be shown my next step to experiencing deep love in my life. And then I dreamed of you last night. It’s perfect really, I have carried so much regret around the person that I was then and the “what if’s” were an excuse to continue hating myself.
You showed up in my dreams last night. I like to think that for a few brief seconds memories of me flittered across your mind too.
When next we meet in my dreams and I wake hearing the whisper of “what if”, I will use it to open even more to having love in my life and fully expressing how I feel. Now am I ready to say “YES” when it shows up. Because: I AM READY TO LET LOVE IN.
May your life be filled with all of the love I was incapable of expressing back then. And so much more. You deserve the best. And I do too! I know it’s been 20 years and I just wanted to say…
…Please forgive me.
…I love you.