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Truly Madly Sassy

Grief • Hope • Love

Reclaiming: When You Ride The Struggle Bus

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reclaiming lost and tattered baggage

“So, you’re on the struggle bus huh?”

“OMG Seth, you don’t even know. I left my support system! My friends! I couldn’t wait to move here, and now I’m wondering what the hell I’ve done.”

“It was a big move.”

“I know…but I had to get away from him…(inaudible words)…he betrayed me! On every single level!”

“Yes, he did.”

“I just can’t be okay with any of that! I keep trying to reconcile it, and I just can’t! And then…then there’s the other him  (inaudible words, snot flying). I could so easily grow old with him (more tears). But I can’t give him anything (insert sobs here) because the other one…he…he took it all!”

“Maybe you really don’t have anything to give him. Maybe you don’t have anything to give anybody right now. And that’s ok. You know why?”

“No, why?”

“Because you’re in a period of reclaiming.”

Seth is my nurse practitioner and this conversation ensued after I reached out to him when I was having one of those woe-is-me-down-in-the-dumps-days. It’s been no secret that the last couple of years have been painful for me. I’ve needed a lot of propping up, and for the first time in a long time, medical intervention. Most people would be afraid to admit that, but I’m not because it was a necessary, unavoidable thing and I dare say where I would be otherwise. Life, ya know, just life. And heartache. Together. Egads.

Reclaiming. I like the word and have come to embrace it, even if I admittedly do it kicking and screaming.

The truth is, I haven’t had a voice in a long time, and those who are closest to me know the reasons why. When you’ve lost your voice, been knocked down, and have a heart that is splintered, it takes a lot of courage to get back up, so believe me when I tell you that I’m metaphorically on my knees as I write this.

I’ve thought a lot about what it means to reclaim, but that requires intentionally looking at what I’ve lost.  Long ago, during childhood, innocence was the first thing; other things followed: the deaths of my parents, the end of my marriage, losing my sense of worth, having three friends die unexpectedly in a 9.5 month period, and saying goodbye the man that I loved more than I’ve ever loved anyone. He’s been my biggest loss, my biggest heartbreak, my biggest betrayer, my biggest love—and all those ‘bigs’ have led to my brokenness over the last 10 years. Since then, I’ve been working hard to put the pieces of me back together again and I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that sometimes, I really just want to give up.

blossoming lotus flower on still water

a lotus flower

So, what does ‘reclaim’ even mean?

Here’s how the Cambridge Dictionary defines it: “to take back something that was yours”. Wouldn’t it be awesome if taking something back that once belonged to you was that simple?! It’s fairly easy when you’re 5 years old to take back the toy that was snatched from you in the sandbox—those kinds of things are tangible. But how do you reclaim the things that you’ve lost emotionally? See? Not as black-and-white—not by a long shot. If only…

…childhood innocence was easily restored

…broken hearts were able to be super glued back together again

…trust was easily re-earned

…new love was freely given, without all the baggage that’s left from someone else

I’ve been fairly transparent about my years in therapy; for me, it’s one of my saving graces.

I’m one of those women who can get immobilized by trying to fix things and therapy has allowed me the opportunity to take a step back so I can look at the big picture. I may not be able to see the how’s-and-why’s, but Sybil, my therapist, can listen to me ramble for hours on end and offer a different perspective on finding a solution.

For example, I was late for an appointment that I had with her recently, so I called to talk to her en route. She always starts a session with asking how I am, and on that particular day, I was so anxious about things that I verbally vomited all over her, much like I did with Seth when we spoke by phone. Honestly, I don’t even think I took a breath in between all the words I strung together. When I finally finished, she said, “Well, I think that timing is in your favor because this is the perfect opportunity to make some decisions.”

Decisions??? “Sybil. Are you sniffing glue this afternoon, because I think that’s a terrible idea! I shouldn’t make any decisions when I’m all over the place emotionally!” She then did that ninja-therapist-thing she does where she swooped in and took the blinders off my eyes:

“Over the last several years, I’ve watched you spiral in doubt at different points of your life. And every single time it’s happened, you’ve hit this very same point of frustration. When you find yourself fed up in the midst of chaos, you start looking hard at what’s working and what isn’t, and then boom! Resolution. You come up with the answers and take action without any help from me.”

I wanted to prove Syb wrong, so I thought hard about that for a couple of days. January 2013 came to mind.

I was married at the time, and unbeknownst to our families, my husband and I had been living in separate parts of our home for 8 months. I had been thinking about moving out, but simply hadn’t done it yet because fear had me stuck in the “what if” zone. One afternoon, I casually pulled up the rental listings on Craigslist and found one for a sweet little guest house in Jonesborough that became known as The Magic Cottage over the two year period that I lived there. My plan was to give it 3 months, and then go back home to work on my marriage, but I never did because that one decision—moving out—was the beginning of reclaiming who I was as a woman without the connotation of being someone’s wife.

Since I was a housewife for 17 years, and divorce looming, I wasn’t sure what things would look like financially, so I got a job and ended up being promoted to management in less than six months’ time. Working gave me the confidence I had been lacking, but I had always wanted to finish my education too, so I enrolled in college out of nowhere and painstakingly started classes—all in the same month.

Reclaiming, I was reclaiming. I just didn’t know it.

I had been talking to Sybil for months prior to that about moving out. And I kept coming up with every excuse in the book as to why I shouldn’t. I took a short break from therapy because I was feeling so overwhelmed; but since everything happened at once, I decided I needed to call her for an appointment and the conversation went something like this:

“So I know I said I was taking a break, but I need an appointment like yesterday because, in the last three weeks, I’ve moved out, gotten a job, and started classes.”

“What?! Well, look at you! When you decide to make changes, you make changes! And you don’t mess around!” (no, no I don’t and it probably would be a really good idea not to make that many life-changing decisions in such a short amount of time, so do as I say, not as I do).

pink lotus flower blooming in water

“rising out of suffering“ — the Buddhist meaning of a lotus flower

That period of reclaiming was as big and scary as this present one is, but when I reflect on it, I don’t remember the scary parts at all.

I only remember the feeling of freedom and the anticipation of the adventure that was to come. I’m not going to tell you that this particular phase of reclaiming is easy because it isn’t—it’s lonely and incredibly scary. Most of the time, I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, not even on this little island I live on. I’m finding my niche, and I’m rediscovering who I am without the man who undeservedly had my heart for so long.

I have a hunch that years from now when I find myself in yet another reclaiming period, I’ll only remember the good things rather than the chaos of the storm that I’m presently in. Oftentimes, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that I’m not tattered baggage and that every painful experience I’ve ever navigated through has always been a tremendous opportunity for growth. Not only that,  I’ve somehow managed to always come out on the other side of those stormy times a much stronger, more well-rounded, emotionally healthy woman. So if you’re on the struggle bus like I am, keep in mind that even the worst of storms eventually pass.

Keep swimming, even if you can only tread water.

Keep moving forward, even if you’re crawling.

And keep reclaiming who you are, no matter what it takes to make that happen.

Til next time, stay sassy…

Wanna share your own reclaiming experience?

I’d love to hear your story. Feel free to comment below.

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  1. This is soooooo good! I have been in therapy for almost a year trying to cope with the death of my father, being a mom, wife and other life stuff. I have definitely been on the struggle bus. Thanks for sharing this experience.

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    • Jewel, I’m so sorry about the death of your father. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things I think we can go through and is likely only surpassed by the death of a child. I’m glad that you found solace in therapy as it is my saving grace as well. My heart goes out to you as you find your way off that damn struggle bus! Thanks so much for commenting!

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  2. I think this is the story of everyone’s life. We all lose our way temporarily. But evetually we realize it and get back to the basics that helped us succeed.

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  3. That is a fabulous story of reclaiming your life! It takes confidence to realize you deserve better. You seem to have taken a hard step forward and you elude happiness and power to not let go of your potential! I’ve reclaimed my life in that I finally learned how to chase my dreams. One thing to support your family’s, another thing to chase your own! Keep reaching for those stars!

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    • Hi Kelly! I would say it takes a lot of courage to know we deserve better and it took me years to be able to move forward. In so many ways, my heart was destroyed and the only way I could see past the hurt was to move away. I’m glad that you yourself have learned to chase your own happiness because that, brave girl, makes you a very strong woman. So happy to share the blogosphere with you! Thank you so much for your comment! ♥️

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  4. I was recently chatting with a friend that I like the person I become when dropped into places unknown. It’s hard, it’s uncomfortable, but once you push past the awkwardness you come out ready to connect. Personally, I cannot wait to escape my comfy hometown and be in that place of struggle. Part of me feels like I can’t be who I want to be…here…

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    • There really is something to anonymity, Nadalie. It’s one of the reasons I came here! There is definitely freedom in not running into everyone you don’t want to see, that’s for sure. I, too, didn’t feel like I could break free of all the “small town” drama and I definitely have enjoyed the anonymity I’ve been able to have here. It’s been a long time coming! Thanks so much, as always, for commenting. I always love seeing you on Truly Madly Sassy!

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  6. You have been through a lot Kristi, you have struggled, but you write about it all with such strength that you can only be admired for your honesty.
    I love the way you write and wish you only the best for the future….

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    • Thank you so much, Sara. If I reach even one person who is hurting and help them navigate it, being open about my struggles will be worth it. Thanks for your comment!

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  7. Thank you so much for baring your soul for all of us to see. You have survived so many struggles, all of which have a crippling power on their own. I can’t imagine all of them piled on top of each other. How wonderful that you were able to reclaim your life and come out stronger and more positive. Sending you so much love and support!

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    • Stephanie, thank you so much for your kind words. I think we all ride the struggle bus at one time or another. I’ve been a frequent passenger over the last two years and look forward to completing the reclaiming part. I appreciate your comments and insight and hope to see you on Truly Madly Sassy again sometime!

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  8. WOW. You have been through a LOT! I can’t imagine how hard all that has been, but man I admire you for doing all that, and being so open about it too. It couldn’t have been easy, but it was clearly the right decision. You are an inspiration 🙌

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    • Thank you so much, Indya. To say that the last two years have been full of life lesson’s would be a complete understatement. I appreciate your kind sentiments as well as your comment.

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    • Thanks so much for commenting, Corinne. Great to see you on Truly Madly Sassy!

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    • I totally agree, even if we don’t ever know all the why’s-and-how’s. Thanks for commenting, Dee Dee!

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    • I don’t know if it’s because we can handle it (haha), but I do agree that we come out stronger on the other side. Thanks so much for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy!

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  13. Hugs Kristi!!! This is what I love about what we do, we write as an outlet without even thinking that we are touching people’s lives. You’ve touched mine for sure. I’ve never been at a point in my life where I needed therapy but I’ve definitely been on a struggle bus. So this is something I can relate to. Keep writing! 🙂

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words, KC! I agree with you–our story often heals other people’s wounds and I feel so fortunate to have a medium such as this to reach people. So many hurts out there need a little soothing. Thank you so much for your comment and your kind words. I hope to see you again on Truly Madly Sassy.

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    • I think you’re exactly right, Laura. Surviving does make us stronger even if it feels like it’s going to kill us in the end. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! Drop in anytime!

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  15. “Keep swimming, even if you can only tread water.

    Keep moving forward, even if you’re crawling.

    And keep reclaiming who you are, no matter what it takes to make that happen.”

    I love this part! While I want to give you a big hug and tell you it will be OK, I think you already know this. You NEED to go through it to find your strength. Keep going!

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    • Thank you so much! Big hugs are always welcome! Some days I wonder about being okay, but so far, here I am, right?! Life is a struggle sometimes. I guess it wouldn’t be called life if it wasn’t. Thanks for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy!

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  16. Wow, this blog post is deep! I like how honest you are, and I’m glad you felt ready to open up your feelings like this. ‘Reclaiming’ is something I am now going to think about.

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    • It’s a long, winding road sometimes, this journey called life. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Chris!

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  20. Nice to be so focus and strong person. You have difficult years. Find a job, start school again was inpirational. Hope to be well and keep it strong

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    • I feel like I had two choices: do something or stay still. I’m not one to sit idle for too long. Thank you for commenting! Come back anytime!

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  21. Kristi, thank you for this beautiful share. I have been through therapy several times and totally get what you say. Your therapist is a guide but at the end of the day you have all of the answers within yourself. And you always end up stronger at the other end. Well done.

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    • Thanks so much Emilie. Kudos to you for seeking out therapy when it was needed. I think there’s such a stigma around it and that’s such a shame. Personally, I think everyone can benefit from it. I appreciate you commenting. Best wishes to you.

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  23. Firstly I want to say well done on writing beautiful post. You show vunerability and a great about of insight and reflection into your situation. I really relate to your story and I also feel like I have had the worst couple years of my life, I lost my mum and her sister within 10 months of each other. Even though it has been 8 months since my mum’s passing the struggle to maintain normality is even harder than it was when she first went. So I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to pick yourself up after all of those events happening. But you did do it and you lived to tell us about it, I think that is a wonderful thing.
    I definitely feel like im on the struggle bus, but deep down i know thing will get better. Time is a healer and with each of these experiences we grow stronger somehow. Thank you so much for sharing this I would love for you to read my story https://www.dansmapeau.co.uk/single-post/2018/01/10/My-Caring-Life-Part-1—Being-a-Carer it’s 3 parts.
    Im reclaiming Happiness and Joy, both have been non existent for a while

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    • Hi Sheleen! First, I am so sorry for the lost of your mother and your aunt. 10 months is a short span of time to lose people and it can be heartbreaking. Second, I will definitely read your story! Thank you for your kind comments. It’s all about being open and transparent I think. Come back anytime! My best to you as you heal.

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  24. Wow. You’ve had some rough years. I think you don’t realize how strong you really are. Moving out, getting a job and going back to school sounds like you know how to take care of yourself. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out.

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    • Hi Julie! It was a step I should have taken years before I did, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I’m a person who tip-toes into everything: every step is counted, cautious, and methodical. But once I take it, it snowballs! Thank you for your comments.

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    • It’s probably all about moving, no matter how small the movement. Ask me again in a year 😉 Thanks for your comment!

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  26. I know when I got divorced after 22 years, I thought I was going to die. Worried about making it on my own and going through menopause at the same time. It was so hard. But, I did it and actually enjoyed that time that I ruled my life. I married again a few years later and what a wonderful man I have now that supports me. Take care!!

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    • Hi Tammy! We were married 19 years and together 21…it can definitely take a toll on a person when you’re so used to things being a certain way. I think there’s a certain measure of feeling secure in a marriage, and then there’s the other! You really did go through a lot with all that happening at once. There is something magical about being discovering that you can stand on your own two feet when your world is crumbling. I’m so glad that you’ve found a new life partner that you can enjoy the journey with. I’m still waiting for mine! Thanks for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy. I appreciate you sharing your story!

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    • We all ride it at one time or another. Thank you for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy. Hope both of our rides are a little less bumpy from here on out.

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    • Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment, Nicole. Sometimes, faith really is all we have.

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  29. I can really relate to this. I moved from Pennsylvania away from my family to California all by myself and I knew absolutely no one. It was one of the most difficult things I have every done but it definitely taught me a lot about. myself and life in general. It is good to see another woman doing her own thing and tackling life’s struggles head on. When I have rough days I will remember this post.

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    • I face the same thing Elizabeth! I relocated to North Carolina in 2016 and it’s really lonely here even though I have made some great friends! I keep thinking to myself that this is a good opportunity to really figure out who I am but it’s difficult sometimes and I often wonder if I made the right decision. Thanks for sharing your story with me. It gives me hope!

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  30. I just loved reading this! I am in therapy and am working on reclaiming things from my childhood and when I was a young adult. I am feeling more complete with each session.

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    • Therapy has been my biggest saving grace, Kelly. Most people are too afraid to admit that, but I know I wouldn’t be where I am without it. I’m happy to hear that you’re having a positive experience with it. It’s a lot of work, but worth it. Thanks for commenting on Truly Madly Sassy!

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  31. Wow, what an inspiration! It is no surprise that God seems to give the toughest tasks to some of the toughest people. I can certainly relate to your struggles. I myself am a single mother trying to finish school while also working full time. It’s so refreshing and uplifting to see another women doing so well for herlself after all of the tough things life has thrown your way. Thank you for sharing your story, I look forward to reading more about your accomplishments!

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    • Thank you, Nicole. I’m often told how strong I am, and that’s only true because life has insisted on it, but even warriors get wounded in battle. Best of luck to you with your education goals. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world I think, so adding a full-time job and school is a full plate. Hope to see you again on Truly Madly Sassy!

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  35. Wow, you have really had to deal with more devastation than most people. I applaud you for taking to steps and being a strong woman to began to rebound from all your losses. Praying that you continue to heal.

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    • Hi Stephanie! I don’t know that I’ve had more than most people, I’m probably just really open about it ha! I think as writers, we reach people who can relate to our stories. We are lucky that way, ya know? We help people without even knowing it! Thanks for commenting!

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  36. What an emotional and inspiring journey! It can be very intimidating at first writing this so openly but you really have to be proud of yourself on what you have achieved. You have a hope and you look at the positive side of the picture which helps you keep moving even if it’s just a step. Please keep on believing in yourself and sharing your positivity with us. It’s so inspiring and infectious. Stay blessed!

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words, Pooja! Always good to see your name pop up on Truly Madly Sassy!

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  38. You know why lotus is very important symbol in Asian culture? Because the lotus symbolizes the true life. That even we have struggles in life, a day will come that we will bloom and be that glorious day – similar on how the lotus grows and blooms.

    We have to appreciate even those struggles coz those makes us stronger.

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    • Thanks so much, Blair! I had no idea why it was important in the Asian culture. Pretty parallel to life for sure!

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    • I didn’t feel like this one was my best work…I rewrote it several times, but thank you! I love you, friend.

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    • I’d say I’m definitely heading in that direction, even if it isn’t happening at the speed I would like it to. Thank you for commenting! Hope to see you again!

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    • Hi Jessica! I’ve always equated this particular point of my life as swimming in taffy. I figure as long as we don’t go under when things are hard, we are doing good! Thanks for commenting! Come back anytime!

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    • Thank you so much for commenting! I’d say I’m still crawling, but at least it’s movement.

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    • I thought it was a pretty good analogy! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Sarah! Drop in anytime!

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  44. You my friend are one amazing, strong, remarkable woman. I almost had tears in my eyes reading this. I think this period of reclaiming is going to give you so many blessings and I can’t wait to follow along as it does. I am proud to be among you in the blogging world. No doubt your strength is inspiring to other women.

    Thank you for being so open, honest, and real with your readers!

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    • Ok, I have to admit that your words made me a little misty! Being so transparent can be a high price to pay sometimes, but being real is what it’s all about in my world. If I’ve learned anything over the last 14 months of blogging, it’s that my story not only heals me but heals others as well and I feel so fortunate to have this medium to reach those who are lost in doubt. Thank you for your kind, sweet sentiments. I, too, am honored to share the blogosphere with a writer such as yourself.

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  45. This is an inspiring story…and this is a story of a strong woman. We all think that a strong woman is either successful professionally, the ones in power (government), or those who are just on top. I believe that a strong woman is the one that can dust herself off after falling down and move forward, even if it is painful to move. These are the women that I highly respect and look up to- and included in this post is a woman that I admire. Yes, continue reclaiming…and never stop.

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. There are days that my soul is just tired, but I somehow manage to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I appreciate your comment more than you know. Hope to see you again on Truly Madly Sassy!

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    • I have to remind myself of that a whole lot these days. Thanks for commenting!

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