*This post may contain affiliate links. If you click on any link and make a purchase, we may receive a small commission at no cost to you.
Surrendering to indecision is one of my biggest obstacles, and admittedly, I stumble over it often.
Life is kinda like playing a game of chess, really: always trying to decide which move to make when. And I’m the world’s worst, actually, when it comes to making decisions. Most of the time, I make them, and then I second guess them to infinity and beyond (I’m not kidding, just ask my friends).
I’m a Sagittarius and apparently, indecision is a really big thing for us.
I’ve even heard that Sagittarians have issues with commitment and considering I was married for 19 years, I scoffed at that very notion thinking ‘which stars did that person read?!’ — and then it hit me. I might have been married for 19 years, but boy oh boy, I am for sure afraid of commitment! Terrified, in fact. And just in case you don’t know this already, being married doesn’t always mean being committed. ‘Nuff said.
Being the thinker that I am, I thought back to a conversation I had about commitment with Sybil, my therapist.
And yes, for those of you new to the blog, that is indeed her real name and only occasionally do I see a hint of multiple personalities in her (haha, it makes for good conversation!). I distinctly remember telling her after making the decision to relocate to North Carolina that I wondered if I’d done the right thing, even though in the moment, it sure felt like it. She nodded, thinking.
“Maybe you’re afraid of commitment.”
—Don’t be absurd; I was married for 19 years and with him for 21!
“Sure. But commitment stems to other things as well.”
“Relocating. School decisions. Buying new cars. Leases…”
She had me there and I wasn’t happy about it, because when I think of the word ‘commitment’, my mind always goes to ‘relationships’.
And I realized that even though I’d been married all that time, I probably wasn’t as committed as I should have been, because if I was, wouldn’t I still be married? That’s a story for another day, indeed.
All those things Sybil mentioned that day are things I’ve done in the past two years: I’ve relocated to the coast; I’ve declared a major; I’ve purchased a new car; and last but not least, I signed a lease. Here. In North Carolina. Where I’ve dreamt of being since I was a teenager. And newsflash: I’ve doubted every single one of those decisions except buying the car. Truly.
Declaring a major has been my biggest obstacle if I’m being honest.
I’ve gone from wanting to go to chiropractic college to declaring a business degree to deciding that the world of social work is my plight. I applied to the social work program at UNCW and was accepted, so off to transfer orientation I went. And dang, wouldn’t you know it? I didn’t see myself there. Like at all. And while texting with the man who had my heart over lunch, the very one who created doubt inside my head about chiropractic, I had a revelation I didn’t want to have…
“What do you think about UNCW?”
—I keep wondering what I’m doing here!
—Flutter. There’s just no…flutter. I just don’t have that feeling that I had like when I visited Life University and Logan.
“Then get your ass to chiropractic college! Even better, Palmer Florida!”
It was the first time in the two years since I declared my major that I’d doubted what I was supposed to be when I grew up; not to mention, it was also the first time I’d thought about chiropractic college again. Flutter. There was flutter when I thought about that. But instead of doing something about it, I continued to take up residence at Hotel Indecision for another two months. And the bed? The bed isn’t at all comfortable there.
I made an appointment with my advisor at UNCW.
I talked through it with her and left there feeling some better, but still saying to myself as I walked to my car, “I just don’t see myself here…” —but onward I went, planning to attend college there in August anyway. Over the last few weeks though, I started thinking, hmmm–maybe it’s not UNCW at all; maybe it’s social work that I’m not meant to do.
I began looking at other majors.
Ultrasound! Now that seemed interesting! Physician’s Assistant? It’s always been on my radar. Chiropractic. It truly is my dream. No, too expensive, and flutter is never worth $250k+ in debt, no matter what anybody says. And suddenly, that man who had my heart said, “How does healthcare administration grab you because you’d be really good at that.” Ah. Healthcare Administration. Interesting, very interesting. I searched the internet for over an hour reading about it and I have to admit, that fluttering feeling came back. Yet there I sat, still at Hotel Indecision, driving myself and my friends insanely crazy by not committing to something. Again.
July 23rd was the last day to decide whether I was attending UNCW or not.
I dreaded that day coming because I knew I’d have to make a decision. In frustration, I said out loud to nobody, “Universe. God. Cookie Monster. Baby Jesus. Omigosh, whoever is listening right now, I need you to clear the path so I’ll know which direction to go in, and I need you to do it fast because time’s a wasting!” And the answer that came back to me with a resounding ‘oh really?’ was “Well, ya know, you have to clear your own path a little bit first so that the destination you’re meant to arrive at will become clearer. Do you expect us to do everything?”
The Universe, God, Cookie Monster, Baby Jesus—none of them were cooperating with me. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all, but as my mother used to say, the truth ain’t always a purty thang.
So after checking in with my brother from another mother for the hundredth time, and telling him I didn’t know what to do, he texted back the word DROP. Within two minutes, I had dropped all my classes, written an email to admissions, my advisor (Rachael, you’re awesome, just so ya know!), and the program director letting them know that I would not be attending UNCW in the Fall of 2018. It was the right decision, I’m confident of that, but one I anguished over for weeks.
As it turns out, the biggest thing I’ve learned about myself during this time is that I am indeed afraid of commitment—of all kinds. Leases especially!
I really am the happiest when I’m traveling from place to place, with no documents to keep me tied down. My dog, however, doesn’t travel well, so for now, we are enjoying coastal living as much as we can. I still don’t know what path I’m going to take when it comes to my education, but the ball did indeed start rolling in another direction once I eliminated UNCW as an option. More than anything in the world, though, what I definitely know for sure, is that I want to do something meaningful so that I can make a difference in the lives of others. It may be social work, it may be something else—that remains to be seen—but there’s this little flutter inside that I haven’t felt in a long time, so I’m following it knowing that it’s going to lead me to the right place.
In the meantime, I’ve done my part by clearing just a little bit of the path by deciding not to attend UNCW.
It feels good to have made a decision. This heart of mine is stubborn, ya know, and as painful as it is to admit this, I’ve decided to just surrender to whatever path opens up next, knowing that I’ll choose the perfect one when divine timing finally makes an appearance. After all, when it comes right down to it, indecision is a decision—isn’t it?
Til next time, stay sassy!
I’m curious…how hard is it for YOU to make decisions? And when you can’t make one, how do you navigate that? Feel free to speak your mind in the comment section. Inquiring minds want to know!